Dark Night: Morning Bright
All of our readings speak of the Ascension. Jesus Christ ascends to the Father and tells us that we are to remember his legacy and share it with others. Sharing faith can be fearful for some, but hearing the reading from Ephesians hopefully instills a desire in us to know more about Christ so that we can share our personal experience with others.
Ephesians reminds us of the great power Christ has to support and cradle our lives. When we are weak, he is strong. When we are misguided or in doubt, God “the Father of glory” gives us the Spirit of wisdom to help us know Christ and the surpassing greatness of his power that we can depend on; and share him by the gifts we’ve been given that His power grows in the world during our time here and beyond.
“And he gave some as apostles, others as prophets,
others as evangelists, others as pastors and teachers,
to equip the holy ones for the work of ministry,
for building up the body of Christ,
until we all attain to the unity of faith
and knowledge of the Son of God, to mature to manhood,
to the extent of the full stature of Christ.”
It wasn’t always easy for me to share faith, to grow in stature as a faith witness-evangelist. I remembered a very important Ascension in 1992 during my final preparation for ordination to priesthood as I reflected on the many conversion experiences I had to undergo to get me back to Church after more than a 17 year absence. When I finally reclaimed my faith and the Church it was like going on a great joy filled vacation the Lord. Everything seemed to fall into place—I was at peace with myself—shared faith with anyone who would listen, the world was bright and filled with hope. The Lord was leading me to seek a vocation even at a late age. It was when I first met the Dominicans 10 years prior to my ordination. And then all hell broke loose and nearly spiritually killed me. I would get pain-filled doubts, agonizing sleepless nights of feeling unworthy, severe headaches, thoughts of being a hypocrite, Christ wasn’t really calling me such a sinner, how did I know He even existed.
Whenever I would pray and converse with the Lord, violent ugly evil thoughts would enter my mind. Why would I give up such a great life to live like those religious do-gooders! What if this return to faith experience was just a fad—after all my call wasn’t real and my faith was a fake? And many worse thoughts plagued me day and night. (Dark night(s) are often viewed as resulting from a lack of penitence or spiritual conversion).
Fearful of being discovered as a phony and rejected by the Church, family and friends, I kept the painful experiences to myself. For over a year I endured feelings of the presence of evil with me and in me. My head would hurt anytime I tried to pray—internal cursing would attack. My confessor tried to help, and I attended Mass going through all the motions—while feeling empty in such a dark ugly place. The joy and exuberant feelings were gone—I was holding onto Christ and faith with the tips of my fingers —–my grip could slip and I would be dropped into a dark bottomless abyss. It felt like what hell must be.
Then the Lord gave me relief—although the trial of faith was the loss of the “honeymoon period” with the Lord. I was awakened to the reality that faith may have those warm fuzzy-feel-good times, but most often it requires deepening trust and perseverance through difficulties. Such times as when we do not feel God’s presence but refuse to give up on Him! For me it finally became apparent that certain things needed to be stripped away, purged, before I could give witness to a life in Christ. Such times can be calls from the Lord to a deeper realization of our need to change and what needs to be changed. It can be a time of a Metanoia: the return from a captivity of living a certain way to a major transformation to a new way of life.
Clinging to what little hope I had, God finally spoke healing to me through deepening prayer, spiritual direction, Confession and the Eucharist. I then shared my dark nights with others at church while I was awaiting the word of my acceptance or rejection into Dominican religious life. Sharing my doubts gave others permission to speak about their doubts; together we grew stronger through sharing our weaknesses in Him. “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. “Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” (2Cor 12:9)
Life teaches us that Jesus: faith is best shared personally and one on one. It is through our human weakness that he shines strongly when we cling to him and reveal him to others. When one person comes to believe in Jesus and his or her life has changed, then tells someone else about the experience or when one person shares how he/she would not have survived a horrific experience without believing that the Lord was with them— faith spreads. Think of what would be missing in your life if everyone you have known kept silent about Christ? And as we know—faith witness is not just with words.
Spread the Good News of Ascension in your life, Fr. Gordon