Through visors of guilt and shame…
So often I meet people who have suffered so much pain in their lives due to believing that are not worthy of love. Sometimes such feelings of unworthiness are programed via family dynamics, or labels from children at school, or comparisons to what the media portrays as acceptable, or causing pain to others. There are a myriad of reasons that can cripple us. Too easily we can confuse self-love with selfishness- arrogance, instead of the love of God’s goodness within each of us—the gifts we’ve received to share, the gift of life itself. How many express daily gratitude for having the gift of being alive? When we do we are giving thanks to God for who we are; it is true gratitude to God.
However, the lack of love of self can be from the inability of forgiving one’s self, and not feeling loved and forgiven by God. Or sometimes people spend years in pain playing all the negative tapes in their heads that perhaps stem from an abusive childhood or relationship, or from past mistakes, or from any number of problems including addiction. Sometimes for every step forward into reconciliation and healing, they take two steps back into self-loathing and the denial of their own goodness. They see the world around them through visors of guilt and shame.
If only they would hear and believe the powerful message of Jesus in our gospel today: “… his heart was moved with pity for them, for they were like sheep without a shepherd.” The word pity can raise the hackles in some people: “I don’t want your pity!” Webster’s definition of pity means sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering distress, or misfortune of another, often leading to one to give relief or aid or to show mercy.
Are not aid, mercy and relief what we all want from Christ in the midst of suffering or distress or misfortune? And aren’t there times in our lives when we seem like sheep without a shepherd feeling separated or divided from one another—lacking self-love-and if we do nothing about it, we can remain paralyzed.
And there are also certain times when people can no longer recognize who they are, what they have become. At such times, all of us can feel pulled in different directions. There are also fragmenting moments that we feel in conflict with duties toward family. Perhaps we don’t set healthy boundaries to take time needed for rest and renewal. Perhaps we are not open with loved ones and express needs to one another. We can burn-out taking on more and more tasks to help, but regret or even resent doing so.
Such fragmentation and alienation can create anger, even self-loathing as we feel trapped, alone, and helpless. We are not at peace with those whom we love most; we may even feel incapable of love at such times. We can alienate family and friends by anger or rudeness, and do things that are foolish and imprudent. We may overreact toward other people’s faults and refuse to forgive them. Whatever the reasons, we can often feel scattered and fractured, and the effects show up in family, work, and perhaps most importantly our view of ourselves—the pain can be severe. Most often we are not replenished with the peace of Christ.
I believe that feelings of disintegration can be an urging from God within us calling us back to peace in God. We hear where such peace comes from in our reading from Jeremiah today. God tells us: “I myself will gather the remnant of my flock from all lands, to which I have driven them and bring them back to their meadow…None shall be missing.” Jeremiah states that there is nothing more humble than God. For us, the crucifix is a vivid witness of God’s humility. He takes upon our sins and suffering to unite us with Him.
The unity requires our humility, and the major quality of the humble person is forgiveness, and forgiveness may need to begin with one’s self. Don’t you feel joy when you offer forgiveness and it is accepted? There is also the peace that comes when knowing God forgives us—the joy of receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
Through humility we find our place in God, we gain a healthier view of self and all of the people within our lives. We need to love God’s goodness in ourselves and to share our gratitude for life. To do so we need time alone with Him, time for prayer and renewal, even if married with children—it helps the marriage and the children.
For as life and faith teach us, such times alone with God can be growth moments, conversion moments, times that can lead to a true sense of worth and give meaning to our lives. In such times of quietude with God we can regain a sense of belonging and wholeness. We find hope. And quietude is as close as your favorite spot in your neighborhood, or the hills, or a garden or park, and of course your church, the House of God. Take a respite in our church, try visiting the Lord on Thursday afternoon or early evening with the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. There is a sign in sheet, or just come any time. The Lord welcomes even a 10 minute visit for renewal in Him. Or how about adding one daily Mass a week to enrich your life?
Let’s offer up those negative tapes to the Lord in more time with Him for renewal and peace and healing love. It is then that we will understand that to love ourselves is to love God in us. As St. Paul tells us then the walls tumble down the barriers are leveled and we become the One Body in Christ. Say after me: “I bless you Lord thank you Lord for who I am–I know you love me.” AMEN. Fr. Gordon