Surrender as Communion with God
Commitment and sacrifice for the good of others and to reflect the love of Christ are themes in our readings today. Perhaps there is no greater test of faith and commitment to God than that of married Christian couples. I have been blessed to help prepare and witness more than 150 weddings, and have seen the work it takes later after the honeymoon wears off, the wedding thank-you’ s have been sent and dating behavior is long gone. I know all this from the hundreds of married couples or individual spouses I have counseled over the years. Commitment, sacrifice, communication are crucial and take lots of work. And today’s reading from Ephesians has not made married life easier when taken at face value. The misuses of St. Paul’s Letter has been so exploited through the centuries to distort how God looks at marriage and the relationship of wife and husband.
Many have viewed the portion of Paul’s Letter addressing subordination of wives to husbands as a Church endorsement for a male-dominated family structure. Such male dominance was/is a part of the near-eastern world at the time Paul’s Letter was written and today. Some also view the Letter as an endorsement of an ancient patriarchal model using God as justification for male dominance, and in too many cases justifying female abuse.
However, If the entire text were read, it would be clear that neither St. Paul nor God are endorsing a view of marriage in which the male holds all authority, and the female has none. The opening sentence gives the key to the entire section: “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. So also husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.”
To “subordinate” does mean “obey” or be “submissive” in Paul’s context, he means to refer in love to one another, to surrender to one another as an equal, for the common good of the marriage—the family. As those of you who are married know—there are times when one has to subordinate or surrender to the other spouse’s position and other times the reverse takes place—give/take-compromise.
Ephesians 5 supports anything but blind obedience or the breaking of the wife’s will. As Paul states, a marriage which has its foundation “in Christ”, is based on the freedom and dignity of both partners, and that is the modeling that all married Christian couples are to offer; to one another, to their families, and to the community.
In a world where men routinely viewed women as beneath them –as chattel, slaves, some men were paid a dowry by the woman’s family to take her as a wife; Ephesians was revolutionary in emphasizing the husband’s responsibility to love his wife as himself. Paul’s emphasis on equal values and dignity was inflammatory. He was thrown out of many towns for his preaching not only Christ, but preaching against male dominance. And who threw him out—not the women! He bases the sacred unity that is to be lived in intimacy with spouses as the intimacy and unity that corresponds to the bond between Christ and his Church—meaning each one of us. Such a relationship is not one of dominance and submission, but one of mutual respect, reverence, and above all mutual love.
And how husbands and wives relate to one another forms and models how children, –each one of us, learns how to relate to others and how to love others with fidelity/ faithfulness. And faithfulness is not only between spouses but with Christ as well. That’s a theme in our gospel for this Sunday. Jesus was abandoned by many disciples that found his teachings too difficult to accept, a covenant bond too difficult to live, and they fled. So Jesus asks the remaining disciples: “Will you leave me too?”
That question applies to us as well. Our relationship with Jesus requires that we examine all our relationships—spouses, family, friends and including God. Have we drifted away from Christ—from our family? Have we lost touch and don’t seek the means to reconnect or reconcile. Or maybe we have fallen out of love–or placed our hope in other things–or have forgotten how to trust.
Just as in married life or any relationship that requires trust—our faith and faith practices require renewal from time to time. We need to invest more of ourselves. As in married life, changing habits in our relationship with the Lord can be challenging—it takes commitment and time. We need to seek the means for a deeper prayer life, other spiritual exercises, get spiritual guidance or counseling, and talk with family or friends whose faith witness you admire. Perhaps most importantly of all, do not fear if your faith is wavering—most often it is an invitation to go deeper in relationship with the Lord. That can also be said of marriages. Relationships take work and renewal from time/time, a reinvestment from a sense of not only responsibility and commitment but of and from a heart of love. That goes for spouses, children, and God.
Surrender is a day-by-day, moment-to-moment awareness of God’s presence in all situations. Intimacy, subordination, commitment and surrender, may not be secular values, but in spiritual growth, single, married and family life, they are needed.